Taken from I Want Him to Want Me: How to Respond When Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex by Sheri Mueller. 

Throughout our lives, our families, friends, and faith impress certain messages on us. Many of us were taught a false message that being sexually pure also meant being uninterested in sex, non-initiators . . . you get the point. We often embraced those messages without question, prayerful consideration, or Bible study, and they became part of who we are— what we call narratives.

A narrative is simply a story, but not all stories are true. Stories not based in fact are false narratives, and the notion that good Christian women shouldn’t desire sex is definitely a false narrative. So is the notion that all men want sex all the time.

Narratives like these shape our identities as sexual women. They are ingrained into our past, present, and future. Believing these false narratives only reinforces our feelings of isolation and rejection, leaving us even more hopeless than before. And when feelings of rejection, fear, inadequacy, and loneliness take hold, we begin to listen to the condemning voices that tell us we are to blame for our husbands’ lack of desire. 

This often plays itself out in our minds through if/then/so thinking. It usually goes something like this . . . 

If I were (a better wife, lover, friend), and if I were (more daring, sensitive, alluring), then he (would pursue me, wouldn’t withhold sex from me). So I must be the problem. 

If a husband is using porn, having affairs, dealing with physical or mental health issues, or just making excuses for not wanting to have sex, where does the ownership for that couple’s sex life often fall? At the wife’s feet. It comes back to this thinking: I’m the problem. If he loved me enough, if he respected me enough, if he wanted me enough, if he whatever enough, then he would want me. 

This endless cycle of if/then/so doesn’t get us any closer to what we want—which is intimacy, love, and, yes, pleasure. It keeps us stuck in shame and blame, believing that sex is conditional and we’re at fault for not doing enough to entice and satisfy our men. This is where false beliefs about our sexuality can wreak havoc. Our minds start repeating certain ideas we’ve been taught and have embraced about ourselves, and those false narratives torment us. 

HOW FALSE NARRATIVES DERAIL US 

“What’s the use in trying anymore?” Ruth said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “There’s something wrong with me. No matter what I do, I can’t make it right. I’m worthless.” 

It didn’t matter that the woman sitting in front of me was a successful businesswoman, highly respected throughout the community and in her church. All Ruth knew at that moment were the false narratives she had embraced. It doesn’t take much rejection from our husbands before we are off and running, our thoughts filled with lies about our beauty and self-worth.

When we believe the falsehoods we’ve heard, we forget how the Lord sees us. God, our heavenly Father, loves us deeply, lavishly (see 1 John 3:1). 

When we’re tempted to believe I’m not beautiful, Scripture tells us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). 

When we think, I’m not desirable, God’s Word says, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me” (Song of Solomon 7:10). 

When we think, I’m not wanted, the Bible says, “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). 

And the most heartbreaking one is when we think, This is what I deserve. God is punishing me for my past. However, Scripture says, “[Christ] took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed” (Isaiah 53:5, msg). I’ve known strong Christian women who have suffered needlessly because of this false narrative. 

I ask them, “If God is punishing you by making your husband avoid sex with you, what exactly is He punishing you for?”

If you are holding on to this lie—that you have done something so deeply displeasing to the Lord that He has taken from you the sexual aspect of your marriage—then I encourage you to remember that when we come into relationship with God, He blots out our transgressions and no longer remembers our sins (see Isaiah 43:25). He is a God of grace (see John 1:16). He doesn’t act in opposition to His own character. 

When you find yourself thinking that you must be the cause of your husband’s choices, I’d encourage you to stop and ask yourself: 

• How am I attacking the person that God created me to be? 
• What is it I believe about myself that leads to that attack? 
• Do those beliefs line up with what Scripture says about who I am? 

As you work to replace the false narratives you’ve believed, many thoughts and feelings will likely surface. You need to honestly consider these thoughts. Are they true? If you aren’t sure, ask God to show you the truth about who you are and how He thinks of you. Pick up your Bible and start reading. Let the words of Scripture combat the lie that you are the problem in your sexless marriage. Find passages that give you comfort, then keep going back to them. I’ve known women who write verses on sticky notes and place them in their bathrooms, in their kitchens, and even in their cars. 

Need a few passages to help you get started? Consider these: 

• “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well” (Psalm 139:14). 
• “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1). 
• “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you out with kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3, nasb). 
• “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows” (Matthew 10:29-31).

I Want Him to Want Me by Sheri Mueller

Do you want sexual intimacy with your husband more than he does?

In a society that often paints men as the sole pursuers of sexual desire, countless wives silently struggle with unmet needs and unanswered questions. Many women have carried the weight of shame and confusion, longing for connection while feeling rejected by their husbands.

Licensed clinical professional counselor Sheri Mueller shares valuable insights into the underlying dynamics at play in such situations. She delves into the complex emotional and psychological factors that contribute to husbands turning away from their wives, dispelling misconceptions and offering a fresh perspective on these delicate issues.

Discover:

• the truth about intimacy struggles and why a husband might turn away;
• communication strategies about a woman’s sexual needs and desires;
• practical steps to foster an atmosphere of trust, vulnerability, and mutual understanding;
• self-care techniques to boost self-esteem and cultivate a positive body image; and
• exercises and activities to revive sexual passion.

I Want Him to Want Me challenges traditional assumptions and provides women with tools to reclaim their sexual agency, rebuild intimacy, and find healing within their marriages.